A Fallen Warrior
If you’ve been following Brandi in the last year or so, you know that this blog was her preferred way to share about her experience with people at large. Brandi spent a lot of time and energy crafting each post. She wanted to share in a way that she felt was factual, but also appropriate and as positive as possible. While one intention was to update her very large network, she also more importantly hoped to educate about metastatic breast cancer and share her personal advocacy work. Brandi was working on a post to share her last update, but she unfortunately did not have time to finish before she died. She did start a draft that I included in another post; and here I will attempt to finish her story as best as I can in a way that I hope she would’ve liked.
Brandi’s last update shared that her doctor had just told her she had exhausted all of the less invasive, more modern treatment options and that chemo was now her best hope for prolonging her life. Her particular version of breast cancer was very aggressive and had not responded to anything else. Our family found out around the holidays and at that time she was given an outlook of 1-3 years because of the invasive nature of chemo. This was discouraging because we had originally been told that it was possible she could live a decade with modern treatments. Of course, no one knew that none of those treatments would work for her. Unfortunately within months her chances dwindled even further.
Brandi had trouble keeping her blood platelet count up throughout her cancer journey. This was usually due to the treatments themselves, which wipe out the body’s immune system along with the cancer. Brandi’s count would drop after receiving treatment, but bounce back after a little while. Once she returned to safe levels, she could get another treatment. In late March, her doctor became concerned because her blood cell count was not bouncing back. A scan revealed that this was because the cancer had progressed significantly enough despite chemo and they said she had a few months to live. If you’re doing the math in total frustration, join me my friend. I don’t know why, but I thought that the doctors would know best and have accurate projections. But through no fault of theirs, medical predictability of this disease is truly lacking. If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this post it’s how little is known on how to truly cure this disease.
With that news, my mom and Brandi took off to Arizona where they were able to enjoy the beautiful Slot Canyons. When they got back the following week, I left for Sacramento to come live with Brandi. I wish I could repeat those next two weeks for the rest of my life. We went to a Rivercats game and got to bring our dogs. We treated ourselves to pedicures and went out to dinner with the family. We walked nearly 5 miles along the Sacramento River near Brandi’s house. We practiced Brandi’s favorite pastime – retail therapy – and got Dole whip soft serve outside the store. We even paddle boarded in Lake Natoma. Words cannot express how much I wish I had made more time for days like this with Brandi.
Unfortunately one day things started to turn. Brandi had radiation appointments scheduled every day for two weeks. It was intended to ease the pain in her bones from the cancer’s progression and buy her a little more time. Her ability to find time and energy for all the activities above surrounding these treatments really spoke to her determination to maintain the best possible quality of life. After her 8th treatment, she was unable to find the energy for her planned mission that day. In the days that followed she began to struggle with nausea. She had been told this could be a side effect of the radiation. Remember that virtually all cancer treatments also harm your body in some way. We held out hope for the nausea to be a side effect though, rather than the alternative that it simply may be the progression of the disease. But when the nausea persisted and extreme shortness of breath accompanied it, Brandi was admitted to the hospital a few days later. Throughout this, she and my family held out hope for it to just be a side effect. Test after test couldn’t explain her trouble breathing. Brandi continued to find tiny pleasures – even in that room. She joked to my mom that her turkey was a thanksgiving dinner. We even brought Brandi’s famously adored wiener dog Danger to visit her. Brandi wanted to return home so she could be with him and the rest of us for as much longer as possible. But it started to become clear that her breathing may not get better. She was relying on an oxygen supply and would need medical help to return home. We took steps to set up hospice care so that Brandi would be as comfortable as possible. Regrettably, this process did not go as quickly or smoothly as we hoped. One day when I met my parents at the hospital, the tone felt different. Brandi had been given a new pain medication after various others were not working. The doctor had confirmed she had days, maybe weeks to live. Devastatingly it was that day that her breathing issues became unmanageable and cancer ended her life at 33. It was almost four years to the day since she began her fight.
Although I’ll never forget Brandi’s final moments, I have to remember that they did not define her. Brandi was a smart, strong, beautiful woman. She ran half marathons and traveled the world. She fostered shelter animals and served on the Board for the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network. She hiked half dome and was a Sacramento Mountain Lions cheerleader. Even in the face of metastatic breast cancer, she never stopped trying to live life to the fullest of her ability.
The best way that we can all honor the memory of who Brandi truly was is to remember the good times we were able to have with her and always appreciate our own personal health as well as the wellness of those close to us. Perhaps more importantly, we need to spread awareness and research for breast cancer; particularly of stage IV metastatic. Currently, early detection is the only real cure we have for breast cancer and most research dollars support those earlier stages. There are more young women like Brandi being robbed of their lives from this disease than many people realize. While nothing will ever bring back Brandi and we will always miss her, we can honor her by continuing her mission within ourselves.